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Dreams deferred are not dreams denied, as proven by single mom American Idol Season 3 winner, Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia, who was made more famous by her memoir and Lifetime Movie, “Life is Not a Fairy Tale,” learned a valuable lesson this past week. While life may not be a fairy tale, with a little hard work, commitment and dedication, single parents can make even deferred dreams still come true.
At the age of 25, after publicly admitting her battle with illiteracy, Fantasia walked across the stage of her former high school in North Carolina in full blown cap and gown to receive her honorary high school diploma after successfully completing all of the requirements for her GED.
While some have criticized her for her illiteracy and single parent status, she should be commended for having the courage to go back and finish what she started. In completing her high school education, she has set a positive example for her children and shown them that she values education by going back to complete her own. Rather than look down on her for dropping out, she should be commended for correcting that mistake and going back to finish.
Fantasia’s ever evolving story proves that a life interrupted by poverty, rape, illiteracy, pregnancy and single parenthood can still be put back on track. A period of struggle does not have to equate to a lifetime of failure. She has proven that a dream deferred is not a dream denied.
Congratulations Fantasia for doing the work to make your dreams come true!
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Hello Single Parents,
SPARC (Atlanta, GA) and Conchetta House (Olympia, Washington) are working on a project to benefit single parents across the nation. One aspect of the project is to make recommendations for programs and policy improvements that will improve our lives and that of our children. Here is where we need your help.
Think of the policies that affect your lives and that of your children. Examples, child care, child care assistance, access to education, family leave, sick/personal leave, flextime at work, small business opportunities, chiid support/visitation, anything at all. If you can think of a way to improve these policies or make them more effective, please let us know. We intend to compile all of them and present them to the appropriate parties. Your voice WILL be heard!
We want to hear from everyone so feel free to post your thoughts.
We appreciate your support!
SPARC (Atlanta, GA) and Conchetta House (Olympia, Washington) are working on a project to benefit single parents across the nation. One aspect of the project is to make recommendations for programs and policy improvements that will improve our lives and that of our children. Here is where we need your help.
Think of the policies that affect your lives and that of your children. Examples, child care, child care assistance, access to education, family leave, sick/personal leave, flextime at work, small business opportunities, chiid support/visitation, anything at all. If you can think of a way to improve these policies or make them more effective, please let us know. We intend to compile all of them and present them to the appropriate parties. Your voice WILL be heard!
We want to hear from everyone so feel free to post your thoughts.
We appreciate your supportSPARC (Atlanta, GA) and Conchetta House (Olympia, Washington) are working on a project to benefit single parents across the nation. One aspect of the project is to make recommendations for programs and policy improvements that will improve our lives and that of our children. Here is where we need your help.
Think of the policies that affect your lives and that of your children. Examples, child care, child care assistance, access to education, family leave, sick/personal leave, flextime at work, small business opportunities, chiid support/visitation, anything at all. If you can think of a way to improve these policies or make them more effective, please let us know. We intend to compile all of them and present them to the appropriate parties. Your voice WILL be heard!
We want to hear from everyone so feel free to post your thoughts.
We appreciate your support!
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As the holidays approach, the world takes on a festive air, eagerly anticipating the merriest of holiday seasons. For some single parents, especially those new to single parenthood, this time of year is met with dread. Spending the holidays without that special someone or even without your children in this most family centered of holidays can lead to depression, anxiety and an overwhelming sense of gloom.
Instead of sinking into despair, face the holidays head on with anticipation and concentrate on maintaining and/or making new family traditions.
1. If your children are old enough, include them in the planning. Let them help make choices about when to celebrate the holidays and with whom. If you can’t be with them on that special day, plan a time when you can celebrate together, either before or after the actual holiday. Don’t make them feel guilty if they have other plans for the holidays.
2. Avoid feeling guilty. To compensate for the missing parent, single parents often “over shop” and ply their children with too many gifts. This is a useless exercise conceived by single parents to make up for some perceived lack in their children’s lives. This can be a never-ending cycle that leads to overwhelming debt, if left unchecked. The worst part of it is that it does nothing to ease guilt.
3. Create new family traditions. If single parenthood is new to you, start new family traditions. Often single parents make the mistake of either trying to keep everything the same even though things are different or simply surviving the holidays instead of making an effort to enjoy them. Make new plans—and let your children share in the planning.
4. If you cannot be with your child, write them a special holiday letter to be opened on the day of the holiday. Make the letter special either telling them how much they mean to you, how thankful you are that they are your children or sharing your own childhood holiday memories.
5. Reach out to other families in need during the holidays. Invite another single parent family to share the holidays with you. Volunteer to help other families through the holidays. Contact local agencies to see what volunteer opportunities they may have. Helping someone else feel better is sometimes the best way to start feeling better about yourself.
6. Redefine family. Create new family from your single parent network. Invite friends over or visit with friends from your network. If your children are with you, invite other families with children the same age as yours to share the holidays with you. Plan recreational outings, share childcare if necessary and encourage each other through the season. If your children are not with you, you are not the only one. Network with other single parents facing similar circumstances and plan activities with them that you will all enjoy.
Holidays do not have to be filled with despair and loneliness. With a little effort, and a positive attitude, the peace and joy of this season can be yours.
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There is a growing trend among parenting experts that encourages parents to befriend their children. The benefit of this philosophy is that children will feel that their parents are on their side and will be more likely to respond positively to correction. Traditional parenting methods suggest that parents maintain a more authoritative role in their children’s lives. Is it possible for parents to be their children’s friend? Do they have to sacrifice a certain amount of authority in exchange for friendship? Is that in fact, in their children’s best interest? Can you ride the line of friend and authority figure without sacrificing either?
In becoming your child’s friend, one must first understand what a friend is. A friend implies equality, a sharing of something in common, a shared experience, a shared respect and an ability to hold each other accountable. Does this exist between parent and child?
I know it is politically incorrect these days to say that equality does not exist between parent and child but politically incorrect or not, it is a fact. Sure, both are human beings and entitled to certain basic human rights but for the most part, children do not have the same rights as parents.
There are some rights that you gain based upon the level of responsibility you have. It goes without say that parents and children share different levels of responsibility. Therefore, they are then entitled to different levels of rights.
Additionally, as parents are ultimately responsible for their children and children are accountable to their parents, how can equality exist in a relationship that is so fundamentally unequal?
Perhaps there is more truth in the old way. While I agree that parents should be approachable and receptive listeners as well as avid supporters of their children while maintaining a loving and warm home environment, this in no way suggests or supports the idea of friendship between the two. Parents should maintain their authority at all times and friendship and authority do not always coexist peacefully. As children will make friends at school, in their neighborhoods, at camp, at after school activities and various other places, the friendship of their parents is not only unnecessary but inappropriate, confusing and perhaps damaging.
Children desperately need parents who embrace their authority and honor their responsibility. Parents will not be found at school or the various other places friends will be found. You are all they get and it is up to you to maintain your authority so that your children know what it means to respect authority. If you forego your authority for the sake of friendship, especially during the teen years, necessary boundaries that should be maintained during these stressful years are crossed and erosion of respect can occur.
Finally, friendship implies a shared experience. You and your child are not undergoing a shared experience. You have already undergone what they are going through for the most part. They are trying to arrive safely into adulthood and you are their leader and their guide on this journey that they are taking, not their peer. It is not a journey of equals but a journey with two very distinct and separate roles. Once the roles become intertwined, confusion ensues, and neither party benefits. It is my suggestion that parents remain parents and leave friendship to their child’s peers.
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Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Violence. Aids. Relationships. All tough topics but important ones that must be discussed with our children. How do we approach these difficult topics and handle them in an age appropriate manner?
Make it a priority. Make the time to talk to your child a priority. Sometimes life can get too busy and talking time becomes hard to find. Take advantage of everyday moments to talk. Use time in the car, meals, or even television time talk about things that matter. These easy conversations will lay the groundwork for more difficult conversations later on.
Start early. In today’s society, our children are faced with more access to knowledge than at any other time in history. They are forced to process information on difficult and sometimes adult subjects at a young age. By talking with them, you give them the benefit of your knowledge, experience and wisdom. Also, increasing research shows that children, even teens, really do value the opinions of their parents. So, before they hear the information from a source that does not share the values you want to instill in your children, talk with them early and often.
Make the first move. It would be wonderful if our children came to us every time they had a question or wanted to express a concern. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes, you will have to take the initiative. Take advantage of normal occurrences and use them as ice breakers to broach difficult subjects. Discuss the television shows you watch or the movies you see. Discuss situations that occur at school or in afterschool settings. Ask your child his/her opinion. Asking a few simple questions can open the door to an important conversation.
Stay age appropriate. Do not overwhelm your child with words, phrases and subject matter that are beyond their understanding and level of maturity. For example, a detailed discussion of adult sexual behavior would be inappropriate for a six year old. However, at the age of six, a child can know proper hygiene and how to recognize inappropriate touching. This is especially important if you have children of various ages. Try to have individual conversations so that each child receives the benefit of your individual attention and a conversation that caters to their stage of development.
Share your values. Take advantage of this opportunity to give your children your side and instill your values. If you start talking with them early, you have a better chance of getting your principles in before they are bombarded with the media images and uncensored conversations they will hear later.
Be prepared to have important conversations more than once. During their lifetime, you will have several opportunities to strengthen your relationship with your child as you converse about many different topics. The more you talk, the easier it will become.
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“Back in the day” there was no such thing as “Family Night” because just about every night was family night. Before electricity became the norm, families gathered around the table in the evening by candlelight. After television was invented, families began to gather around the one television set they owned in the evenings to watch shows together. Now that technology has granted us access to just about everything, we now find access to our families to be a challenge.
Now, in order to bring families closer, experts are reinventing traditions that used to be the norm. For example, we are now being reminded of the importance of regularly eating together as a family. What used to be taken for granted must now sometimes be scheduled.
This article on Family Night is not designed to be a new discovery for you. Instead, it is designed to remind you of family rituals you already know but need to practice. In their book, Family Moments, David and Claudia Arp state that “what’s important is not so much knowing what to do as it is doing what you know.”
Families often make serious mistakes when it comes to setting up Family Nights. The purpose of Family Night is to create activities for all members of the family to enjoy and participate in together. Family nights are not designed to be over thought nor stress inducing. Remember, the goal is for the family to enjoy the activity as well as the company of the other family members.
Tips for planning Family Nights:
- Be flexible: Family night activities do not have to be the same every night. The activity chosen should reflect the family’s mood of the moment. Quiet activities as well as active events should be included in the list of options.
- Avoid over structuring: Family night activities should not feel confining. Sometimes when trying to bring the family together we turn family members off by making too many rules. You will need certain rules just to maintain order but for the most part, family night should be a relaxed night.
- Establish some ground rules: Attendance and participation should be a priority. As your schedule permits, sometimes family night may need to be rescheduled but only cancelled in dire emergencies. If you are not aggressive in scheduling family nights, other activities will eventaully crowd it out of the schedule.
- Do not cancel family night due to misbehavior: Family night is designed to bring your family closer and all members get to participate simply because they are members of your family. Use another consequence to redirect misbehavior but missing family night should not be an option.
Some suggestions for family night activities:
- Family Movie Night: Rent a movie, make healthy snacks and enjoy the show! Have a discussion after the movie. What was your favorite part? Who was your favorite character and why?
- Family Cooking Night: Have all members prepare a meal together before sitting down at the table and enjoying the meal as a family. Feel free to include a home made dessert. If your family is not known for its baking skills, ice cream sundae night is an excellent alternative.
- Family Picnic: Pack a picnic basket and go to a local park. Drive up to the mountains (if possible) and enjoy the scenery. Bring some games such as softball, basketball, tennis, volleyball, etc and play together. Teach your children a game you used to play when you were their age such as kickball, jump rope or jacks.
The most important thing to remember is to create Family Nights that work for your family. Whatever the activity, setting aside special time just for your family is sure to bring you closer. Remember, families who spend quality time with each other and like each other are well on their way to building a strong, healthy and happy family.
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Regardless of the love you and your child have for each other, unless you both develop good communication skills, your relationship will not be as strong as it could be. To be a good communicator, you must develop two very specific skill sets: speaking and listening.
We all learn how to talk, so this is the easier of the two skills to develop and use. The second, listening, is not as easily learned.
To help your child deal with any issue, he/she must believe he can talk to you about anything and you will more than just hear them talking, you will actually listen.
How you respond to your child is determined not only by what you hear but also your understanding of what is being said. Without a clear and thorough understanding of what your child is saying, you will not be able to respond correctly.
The first thing you need in listening to your child is a loving, caring relationship. Unless they are absolutely positive that you care, they will be reluctant to share anything with you. Listening is usually what they need most.
Listed below are the characteristics of a good listener. Study them! Learn them! Use them!
- Make eye contact with your child, but don’t stare.
- Smile a lot while you are listening.
- Every now and then, nod your head to show you understand what he/she is saying.
- Help them label their feelings.
- Summarize what your child has said to you.
- Never make your child regret that he they have shared their feelings or opinions with you by laughing or being critical or harsh.
By becoming a good listener, you will encourage your child to come to you for help about anything.
Additional help can be found in this book – Talking, Listening, Connecting by Paul M. Rosen, Ph.D.
Happy Communicating!!
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How do you help build your son’s character? Actually there are several things you can do:
- Talk to your son about his character. Teach him the characteristics that a man will possess. Use sentences such as a man shows responsibility, a man takes care of his possessions, a man shows respect to all women, a man shows respect for himself, a man is not lazy, a man works hard, a man tells the truth and other similar statements. Be careful not to become a nag. Talk to your son about it but nagging about it will defeat your purpose and turn your son off. The point of your conversation is simply to help your son identify with the positive character traits that are found in his gender and encourage him to personify like characteristics.
- Use teachable moments: When you see a situation where a man showed evidence of good character, point it out and talk about it with your son. Show him how the man showed good character and ask your son how he feels about it. Would he have done the same thing in similar circumstances? Teachable moments can be found from conversations, in movies, in every day life and in history.
- Protect him from negative influences: Unfortunately, men are not always portrayed as strong, responsible and loving creatures in today’s society. While you cannot protect him from all of these negative depictions, watch the amount of exposure you allow him to have. In addition, maintain open communication with him regarding the other depictions. Get his opinion on what type of portrayal he is seeing. Have him point out the positives and negatives of the depiction he sees.
- Be a role model: This method cannot be overstressed. Sometimes when we talk too much, our sons can shut down and feel “nagged.” When this happens, they often simply shut us out. By modeling appropriate behavior, your son still receives the benefit of the lesson without feeling as if you are constantly “harping” on him about something. If you want him to respect women, ensure that you are living a respectful life in front of him. Additionally, if you are in a relationship where you are being disrespected or hurt, get help and get out. This will have devastating consequence on your son. It could have a negative impact on the way he respects women in general or you in particular. It could even have a negative impact on the way he respects himself.
- Expose him to appropriate role models: As stated earlier, boys learn a great deal by watching. Some of the things that he sees you doing, he will translate as what women do. Ensure that he can see positive males doing positive things so he will understand that not only do women do those things, men do them too. Make sure when seeking a role model that you find one that has the values you are trying to teach your son. Role models can be found in various places including your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, faith based institutions, athletic programs, mentoring organizations, books, movies and museums. It is okay to think outside of the box when seeking a role model for your son.
- Learn male culture: One of the most important types of love that you can offer your son is supportive understanding love. The best way to give that to him is to make every attempt to understand male culture. There is a difference between males and females. As long as we continue to try to raise our sons knowing only female culture, we are doing them a disservice. Learning and understanding male culture will go a long way towards your ability to help your son navigate this culture and develop a strong character.
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“To educate a person in intelligence but not in character is a crime to the human spirit.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
The crisis facing our boys today is the subject of much debate. Since a large number of them are being raised by single mothers, this crisis is close to a single mother’s heart. I have faced many single mothers of sons and the same frustrated sentiment seems to echo – I don’t know what’s wrong with him! The same boys that were such loving creatures what seems like just yesterday are now getting into trouble at school, failing or at risk of academic failure, disrespecting their mothers and showing no signs of the lovable little boys they once were. While their mothers are at a loss, answers must still be found.
In his novel The Good Son, Michael Gurian states that boys depend on discipline and moral training. “Once we truly look inside the male mind, we discover that we must as individual family members and as a caregiving culture, spend a lot more time providing love, discipline and moral training to our boys.” As Martin Luther King, Jr. states in the quote above, to fail to educate your son’s character is a crime.
The challenge is not so much in the “how” a single mother builds her son’s character but in the commitment to make the necessary sacrifices and see the job through to completion which can sometimes seem an overwhelming task.
The idea of sacrifice is not foreign to motherhood, most especially not single motherhood. From the moment of conception, mothers sacrifice their bodies, personal comfort, habits, time, energy and more to ensure the safe and healthy development of their child. It is no surprise that this sacrifice must continue on through their sons’ life as he develops into an adult.
One of the best ways to teach your son healthy character development is to model appropriate behavior. Boys are visual creatures and watch what goes on in their surroundings. By modeling behavior you would like to see in your son, he will pick up on some of these habits without you having to say anything to him. Some of this modeling will come at a sacrifice. There are times when we would love to take the easy road or simply indulge in some “me” time without having to think of how it will affect anyone else. That is where the sacrifice comes in – remembering that our actions do affect someone else. Our sons are watching not only what we say and do, but how we live. The example we set has a lasting impression on them.
Other habits will need to be verbalized. When boys are small, we remind them to speak quietly, not to run in the house, show respect, tell the truth and other character building activities. When boys reach a certain age, we expect them to have internalized these values so that we no longer have to teach them. These values, however, will need to be reinforced well into the teen years as they will reappear in various forms throughout their development.
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“The culture of schools, especially for young children, is much more feminine than masculine. There are almost no male early childhood educators. Many teachers of young children find boys’ interests in violence, gross things, and bodily functions to be boring or stupid. We need to recognize that many of us have ‘internal prejudices’ against these interests. Just as we used to ask ourselves in the ’70s, ‘In what ways am I being sexist in my treatment of girls?’ we now have to ask, ‘In what ways are we disapproving of boys’ interests in our classrooms?’”
Joseph Tobin, Ph.D.
Professor of Early Childhood Education
Arizona State University.
Author, Good Guys Don’t Wear Hats
Is your son having trouble in school? Are his grades not where you think they should be? Is his behavior disappointing or even shocking? According to some researchers, in addition to checking on your son, you should also check out his school.
Some boys do well in school. They sail through as if the school environment was created with their specific needs in mind. They rise to the head of the class and continue on to rise to the take leading roles in business and society. For other boys, it is not that easy. They flounder and struggle and appear lost for no obvious reason.
What can be wrong with them? Perhaps the better question is what can be wrong with today’s schools? According to PBS, who aired a special on Understanding and Raising Boys, several things can be wrong with schools today.
On average, boys are less mature socially, less verbal and more active than girls when they begin school. According to Michael Thompson, PhD, “we ask too much of boys developmentally in the early years and they taste too much failure and frustration in school,” says Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Early frustration begets later frustration. They learn at an early age that school is a place they simply cannot succeed.
Although boys have not changed, schools have. Because boys are generally not as skilled verbally as girls, the fact that children are now taught to read in kindergarten is harder on boys than girls. “At age five, many boys are not ready to learn to read,” says teacher Jane Katch, author of Under Deadman’s Skin. “When I began teaching in the ’70s, children were not expected to read in kindergarten. Some first grade teachers actually preferred that children learn the alphabet in first grade, where they could learn to do it ‘the right way’!”
Boys are generally more active than girls and find it more difficult to sit still for long periods of time. Most experts would say that physical activity is important for both boys and girls, particularly young children still developing motor skills. Physical activity may even increase a child’s ability to learn. However, most schools today have reduced or eliminated recess and outdoor play to meet the increasing academic demands. “Today, most kindergarten curricula expect boys to sit still much of the day and to do written work that many of them cannot master. Our demand for more and earlier skills, of exactly the type that boys are less able to master than girls, makes them feel like failures at an early age,” says Jane Katch. “The most tiring thing you can ask a boy to do is sit down. It’s appropriate to expect for kids to sit still for part of the day, but not all of the day,” adds Joseph Tobin.
What do you think? Do you believe schools are failing our sons? If so, what then is a parent to do? How do we help our sons achieve success even in an environment ill suited to meet their needs?
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Dads, you have a great deal of influence over the healthy development of your daughters. You have the power to influence their self esteem, their sense of independence and their healthy body image. With this much influence, what does your daughter need from you to develop to her fullest potential?
Presence
Your daughter needs you to be present in her life. She needs you to be interested in what she is going through and what she has to say. If you listen to her when she talks and show her that you value her opinions when she expresses them, she will be more inclined to believe in herself and develop a strong sense of self esteem.
Wisdom
As your daughter matures, she faces many different life changing decisions. She will need the benefit of your experience and wisdom as she learns to make wise choices. Giving her the male perspective not only provides her with valuable insight into future relationships but it also teaches her a balanced approach to all aspects of decision making.
Protection
This is where most fathers feel the most confident. Physical protection is something you understand and feel comfortable offering. Most fathers who are able want their daughters to feel comfortable and know that they are physically safe. However, there are other types of dangers from which daughters should be protected:
What about the emotional and moral dangers? How do you protect your daughter from the damaging images the media portrays of what women can and should be? You can start by guarding against the negative influences that will try to damage her self image and decision making ability.
If you are not in the home with your daughter to monitor what she watches on television, hears on the radio or sees on the internet, at least talk to her about the images she sees and messages she receives. Find out how she feels about it and how they affect her self image. Affirm her with verbal praise, letting her know that you love and support her just the way she is. Let her know that she does not have to conform to any image in order to gain your approval.
Also, encourage her independence by teaching her to protect herself physically and mentally. There are times when you will not be able to be physically present and your daughter is going to need to know how to protect herself so that she can feel secure. Use roleplay to discuss dangerous situations and teach her what to look for when she is on her own. Have “what if” conversations on situations ranging from “what if you had to walk to your car alone in the dark?” to “what if you found out your friend was using drugs?” to “what do you think of that outfit that woman is wearing?” and others.
Fathers, don’t forget how important your role is in the healthy development of your daughters!
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Even within the confines of a supporting and loving relationship with adequate positive reinforcement, undesirable behavior can still occur. When it does, it must be dealt with consistently and effectively.
Of all of the consequences that can be applied when negative behaviors appear, the most important aspect of any plan must use consistency as its foundation. If children are not sure that they will face a consequence for misbehaving, they could be tempted to “roll the dice” and see what happens. It is only when they are sure that the first time and every time they show the behavior that they will face a consequence will your disciplinary plan have any meaning.
The definition of consistency is firmness, sticking to the same rule. That means you must enforce a rule from the moment it is put in place and every time thereafter. Failure to do so will undermine your own authority. If you don’t stick to the rule, why should your child? If you don’t believe what you are saying, why should your child believe?
It is important to avoid making empty threats when in a disciplinary situation. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you don’t mean what you say, your words will become meaningless to your child and they will stop listening to you. Avoid putting punishments into place that you cannot stick to or enforce. Doing so will undermine your own authority.
Parents generally have three ways to respond when their child misbehaves:
- Immediate reaction: This reaction is necessary when danger exists or harm may come to your child by waiting.
- Delayed reaction: This reaction is necessary when emotions are high and you are unable to deal effectively with the situation. In these instances, count to 20, take a deep breath, walk away, or take whatever stress reduction measures that work for you. It is dangerous for you and your child to deal with some situations when your emotions are out of control. It is best for all concerned if you take some time to calm down before escalating a situation beyond your control.
- Application of consistent consequences to stop the behavior and keep it from mushrooming into other negative behaviors. This is the most common type of disciplinary action. Consistent consequences are necessary because undesirable behavior is not always a one time occurrence. Children may test your limits by repeating the behavior. It is only when met with consistent consequences will the behavior stop.
It is important to remember that it is not the severity of the discipline you use which makes it effective, but the certainty of discipline that matters.
Above all, remember CONSISTENCY IS KEY.
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The goal of discipline is to teach children appropriate behavior. Reinforcing behaviors that you want to see repeated is a very important part of discipline. Eliminating undesirable behavior without having a strategy to stimulate more desirable behavior generally is not effective.
Critics of this method fear that you will create children that are constantly seeking rewards for “good” behavior instead of letting appropriate behavior be its own reward. This will keep children from internalizing appropriate behaviors and moving successfully into the habit of self discipline. Instead, they will always need an external stimulus to behave appropriately.
Reinforcement of positive behavior however, does not always mean rewarding a child. As a matter of fact, good behavior should be noticed but never rewarded. Reinforcement can be as simple as noticing the behavior and giving verbal praise, a high five or a hug.
Positive reinforcement has several potential benefits:
- The desired behavior is more likely to become internalized, given value and repeated. The purpose of positive reinforcement is to encourage the child to repeat the behavior. Behaviors that you value and want to encourage need to be identified by you, communicated to and understood by your child. By noticing the behavior and giving praise, you send the message to your child that this behavior should be continued.
- The newly learned behavior will set the foundation for other desirable behaviors. Noticing your child’s behavior will provide the reinforcement needed to encourage more positive behaviors. For example, praise given to a child for being polite at home will encourage him/her to practice the same politeness at school and in other environments.
- The emotional tone in the home will remain positive, pleasant, and supportive. The only time your child hears your voice should not be in the midst of disciplinary action. Providing regular positive attention or special time is vital to the health and well being of your child. For the most part, parents make special efforts when their children are small but opportunities to communicate positively are important at all ages, including the teen years. Positive reinforcement provides you with another opportunity for warm, open and loving communication between you and your child.
It is important to remember that positive reinforcement will not eliminate the need for providing consequences for negative behavior. It is to be used as part of an overall comprehensive plan for consistent and effective discipline for the overall health and strength of your family.
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Have you heard about the “new” discipline? Shocking numbers of youth are displaying negative behaviors causing experts to reevaluate traditional methods of discipline. Supporters of old ways stress the importance of providing children with swift and strong consequences for negative behaviors while more modern ideas support recognizing and encouraging positive behaviors. SPARC contends that neither of these effectively addresses the disciplinary needs of today’s youth.
Discipline is a positive learning experience that sets behavioral limits and guidelines through a system of teaching and nurturing that prepares children to achieve competence, self control, self direction and caring for others that will lead them to and through adulthood. That’s the long definition. The short definition for discipline is to teach.
Just as teachers must use a variety of methods to engage students and reinforce lessons learned, parents too must use a comprehensive approach to discipline for youth of today. Parents will be more successful if they do not rely on any one approach but have a broad variety of tactics at their disposal. They must provide appropriate consequences to deter negative behavior while noticing and encouraging positive behavior. Still, if they only focus on those two elements, an important aspect will be missing. A true comprehensive disciplinary plan must also take into consideration the parent-child relationship.
True discipline is most effective when it is exercised within a relationship that is rooted in respect, self control, dignity and love. Discipline is best when it occurs in the context of a relationship in which children feel loved and secure.
The purpose of discipline is to teach your children appropriate behavior. The goal of discipline is to move your child from parental discipline to self discipline. This only occurs when the values taught by the parent are internalized by the child and given a sense of worth. This is more likely to happen in a relationship where children respect their parents and feel loved and secure.
Parental self control is one of the most important aspects of establishing the supporting loving environment that encourages discipline. By exercising self control, even in the midst of a tense moment, parents model the appropriate and controlled behavior they expect from their child. What does a child learn from an angry parent who is screaming or yelling and completely out of control? As you are your child’s primary teacher, is that the behavior you are trying to teach?
It is difficult for parents to sometimes take a look in the mirror when they see behaviors in their children that they do not like. Parents, if you have children who use foul language, please stop and ask yourself some very hard questions. Do you curse at your children when you are angry? Do you curse in front of them when you are angry at others? If so, can you really be very angry at them when they exhibit the behavior you in fact taught them? Will you be respected for exhibiting the very behavior you are disciplining them for or will you be viewed as a hypocrite?
Now, make no mistake. Negative behavior in children must be dealt with no matter why it has appeared or where the behavior was learned. You would be shirking your duties as a parent if you chose not to deal with it because they learned the behavior from you. Checking your own behavior is simply the first step in ensuring that you have established a relationship of respect, love and support with your child. If your child views you as a hypocrite, the bonds of respect will be weakened and your relationship can be damaged.
Every moment between you and your child will not be full of hugs and kisses, especially moments that involve discipline. However, if the relationship between you and your child is intact, you will be able to weather any storm.
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With the recent increase in the numbers of children born to single mothers, a great deal of attention has been focused on the single parent family, specifically those headed by single mothers. Some of this attention has not been so nice with some of the outcry suggesting that single mothers should be somewhere cowering in shame. Articles suggest that the social stigma against out of wedlock birth has all but disappeared thereby lessening the shame and contributing to the rise in single motherhood. Here is my question…why shame for a single mother? Should a woman be ashamed of her single parent status?
To be fair, I do not believe most little girls dream of growing up to be a single mother. Most single parents probably imagined their lives turning out very differently but yet and still, here they are. While I am sure there are some single parents who may regret or even be ashamed of the choices they made or the circumstances that resulted in their current single parent status, should that shame extend to the single parent status itself?
My answer starts with a question. What child, whether from a one parent household or two parent household, should be raised in an environment of shame? I think every child, no matter how they were conceived, deserves better. A parent who is ashamed will transfer that shame onto their child. Once they do, how is a child supposed to develop a positive self concept, feel motivated to excel and secure a bright future? How is a parent supposed to encourage their child, have high expectations and demand the best for themselves and their child if they exist and operate in a cloud of shame?
Secondly, single mothers are a diverse community. Why lump all single moms into one category of disrespect? There are a variety of roads that can ultimately lead one to single parenthood. This broad shame directive leveling the accusing finger at all single mothers fails to consider the diversity of roads. So does that mean, no matter how you arrived there, shame should be yours?
Should the woman whose soldier husband was killed in the line of duty be ashamed? Should the grandmother raising her grandchildren due to the death of her child be ashamed? Should the wife whose husband abandoned her be ashamed? Perhaps we should inject some sort of class system within the single parent population and only certain segments should be ashamed while others should not?
Thirdly, in considering single moms, why do we continually ignore the men who helped create these children? What of the fathers? Is there no outcry against irresponsible fatherhood? Is it being suggested that the mothers who sacrifice and stay to raise their children should be ashamed and not the men who abandon them?
Yes, yes and yes, there exists a population of women who made choices they now regret and those women are now living out the consequences of those choices. Perhaps this population is the target of the shame directive. If that is the case, my question is this: How long must they carry the burden of the shame of a bad choice? Must they carry it longer than those who have made other bad choices? The loss of personal time, the loss of sleep, the deferral of their own dreams for the sake of ensuring their children’s; is that not penance enough as they sacrifice all of that and more in order to raise their children and give them the very best of what they have to give? On top of this, they should carry the weight of your condemnation too?
For what purpose? Will it make them better parents? Will it energize them and give the strength they will need to equip the next nation of leaders that they are raising? Or instead, will it rob them of the little bit of courage they do have? Will it help or will it weigh them down and rob them of the confidence they need? Will it help to drown out the sound of that whisper inside that they fight daily, sometimes hourly – that quiet whisper that asks “Can I ever be enough? Even if I give everything I have and am, will it ever be enough?” Or will it amplify that voice thereby robbing them of the strength they need for the battle they must fight?
I suggest an immediate change in attitude. Instead of pointing fingers, why not extend a hand? Instead of condemnation, why not offer compassion? But above all, if one cannot help a situation, at least commit to not hurting it. Words hurt. If words don’t heal, perhaps they should not be uttered. If not, I believe the true shame does not lie with the single mother; it lies with all of us.
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