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With the recent increase in the numbers of children born to single mothers, a great deal of attention has been focused on the single parent family, specifically those headed by single mothers. Some of this attention has not been so nice with some of the outcry suggesting that single mothers should be somewhere cowering in shame. Articles suggest that the social stigma against out of wedlock birth has all but disappeared thereby lessening the shame and contributing to the rise in single motherhood. Here is my question…why shame for a single mother? Should a woman be ashamed of her single parent status?
To be fair, I do not believe most little girls dream of growing up to be a single mother. Most single parents probably imagined their lives turning out very differently but yet and still, here they are. While I am sure there are some single parents who may regret or even be ashamed of the choices they made or the circumstances that resulted in their current single parent status, should that shame extend to the single parent status itself?
My answer starts with a question. What child, whether from a one parent household or two parent household, should be raised in an environment of shame? I think every child, no matter how they were conceived, deserves better. A parent who is ashamed will transfer that shame onto their child. Once they do, how is a child supposed to develop a positive self concept, feel motivated to excel and secure a bright future? How is a parent supposed to encourage their child, have high expectations and demand the best for themselves and their child if they exist and operate in a cloud of shame?
Secondly, single mothers are a diverse community. Why lump all single moms into one category of disrespect? There are a variety of roads that can ultimately lead one to single parenthood. This broad shame directive leveling the accusing finger at all single mothers fails to consider the diversity of roads. So does that mean, no matter how you arrived there, shame should be yours?
Should the woman whose soldier husband was killed in the line of duty be ashamed? Should the grandmother raising her grandchildren due to the death of her child be ashamed? Should the wife whose husband abandoned her be ashamed? Perhaps we should inject some sort of class system within the single parent population and only certain segments should be ashamed while others should not?
Thirdly, in considering single moms, why do we continually ignore the men who helped create these children? What of the fathers? Is there no outcry against irresponsible fatherhood? Is it being suggested that the mothers who sacrifice and stay to raise their children should be ashamed and not the men who abandon them?
Yes, yes and yes, there exists a population of women who made choices they now regret and those women are now living out the consequences of those choices. Perhaps this population is the target of the shame directive. If that is the case, my question is this: How long must they carry the burden of the shame of a bad choice? Must they carry it longer than those who have made other bad choices? The loss of personal time, the loss of sleep, the deferral of their own dreams for the sake of ensuring their children’s; is that not penance enough as they sacrifice all of that and more in order to raise their children and give them the very best of what they have to give? On top of this, they should carry the weight of your condemnation too?
For what purpose? Will it make them better parents? Will it energize them and give the strength they will need to equip the next nation of leaders that they are raising? Or instead, will it rob them of the little bit of courage they do have? Will it help or will it weigh them down and rob them of the confidence they need? Will it help to drown out the sound of that whisper inside that they fight daily, sometimes hourly – that quiet whisper that asks “Can I ever be enough? Even if I give everything I have and am, will it ever be enough?” Or will it amplify that voice thereby robbing them of the strength they need for the battle they must fight?
I suggest an immediate change in attitude. Instead of pointing fingers, why not extend a hand? Instead of condemnation, why not offer compassion? But above all, if one cannot help a situation, at least commit to not hurting it. Words hurt. If words don’t heal, perhaps they should not be uttered. If not, I believe the true shame does not lie with the single mother; it lies with all of us.
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After all, children don’t come with a manual. How often have you heard that said? More than once, I’m sure. It is a fact that babies are not born with an operating manual. Parents have used this truth to comfort themselves and other frustrated parents throughout the ages. Nowadays, however, parenting classes are becoming more and more available as well as more and more accepted. As negative statistics in the youth population continue to rise, parents seek out or are even court mandated to participate in parenting programs. Is there some validity to this or are parenting classes a waste of time?
A popular stance is — either you are a good parent or you are not. You cannot learn to be a good parent. Parents who have taken parenting classes, however would disagree. There is a great deal of value in taking a parenting class, no matter your situation.
Any family that has ever faced a crisis can tell you that they wished that they had taken preventive measures to avoid the crisis. Taking a parenting class is such a preventive measure. Learning and implementing new techniques before a crisis occurs will increase the odds of dealing with the crisis in a respectful manner. Even for those who already feel comfortable parenting, there may be times when interactions become more intense and complicated. By learning new solutions when life is running smoothly, you will be ready to use loving, respectful discipline instead of anger, yelling or other out of control behaviors if the situation presents itself.
It is especially valuable to participate in a parenting program if you are a single parent. The simple, practical parenting solutions offered in these workshops will equip you to parent with a heavy emphasis on love, respect and dignity for children in addition to providing you with the methodology for implementing these practices into your every day family life. It will also help you to pre plan for the emotional, physical and financial demands of single parenting.
Most importantly, a single parent workshop balances its emphasis on providing essentials for children with an equal emphasis on providing comprehensive support for you. After all, it is SPARC’s philosophy that by strengthening the parent, you thereby strengthen the child, creating an overall stronger family unit. Stronger families nurture stronger children thereby providing communities with healthy, productive and successful adults.
A major focus of all SPARC programs is to encourage single parents to build their own network of support. By participating in a parenting class with other single parents, you are provided with a chance to take the first step in building this network. Parent workshop participants are afforded the opportunity to network and build a support system with other single parents in the workshop facing these same challenges in their own community.
So, take a parenting class. Learn something new. Network and meet new people. Begin building or expanding your network of support today!
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One of my favorite expressions of late is “I hear you talking.” I use this phrase often, mostly to other adults in casual conversation. I usually say it in a joking way to say – I hear you talking but you are not saying anything or I hear the words you are saying but I am not processing any information or even I hear you talking but I am not listening. Yes, hearing and listening are different.
In Parenting For Dummies, by Sandra Hardin Gookin, she says “Hearing is different than listening. You can be hearing what your children are saying but you may not be listening. Hearing means that the noise is hitting your eardrum. Listening means that you understand what they’re saying or even what they’re not saying, but are really meaning.”
As parents, we have to ask ourselves, are we listening to our children or simply hearing them talk? Sometimes our lives are busy and we are stressed out or we are tired or one of a million other reasons and we find ourselves just hearing them talk. They ramble on and on and we “uh huh” and “oh really” and “yeah” at what we hope are appropriate times as we continue whatever task we were doing before we were “interrupted.”
Let’s be real. Sometimes as single parents, we find ourselves out of time. It also seems like sometimes our children can pick the absolute worst times to talk. As busy, tired, and overwhelmed as we are, it is still important to remember that children, all children, need to know they are listened to. It’s even more important for them to know that we are listening.
Communication is important at any age but, during the challenging teen years, effective communication is the key to success. Establishing effective communication practices early in childhood will help you avoid the challenge of trying to open the door to an uncommunicative teen.
Therefore, whatever the age, start listening to them now. Did you know that listening, not talking is the most important communication tool? So listen. Listen as often as they talk. Listen no matter what the subject matter. Listen, listen, listen. Listen to your son as he gives you the entire history of Play Station and why it is such a necessary element in his world. Listen to your daughter as she keeps you up to date on all the latest happenings at her school. Listen to your children as they give you the blow by blow account of the cartoon they just watched, even though you watched it with them. Listen, listen, and listen. Investing the time to listen to your child today will pay off in a big way tomorrow.
Remember, practicing good listening skills with your child will help them to remember to use good listening skills with you.
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Hey Dads! Did you know that you are the fastest growing segment of the single parent population? While single mothers are increasing at an annual rate of 27%, single fathers are increasing at a whopping 62% each year. No more stereotypical picture of the single mother as the only face of single parenthood. More and more men are taking steps to raise their children as single parents. If the stereotype of a man refusing to ask for directions even when he is lost is true, what does a father do when faced with raising a child alone?
1. Develop a support network. This is the single most important piece of advice for any single parent, not just single mothers. No one person should ever have to raise a child alone. This is absolutely crucial. It is important for you to identify who you can depend on right now. Most likely, this network includes your immediate family and friends, but consider other people in your life who might also help you. Make a list of these people who can help you remember that you are not alone. Consider joining a single parent support group or taking some parenting classes to meet and network with other single parents.
2. Think Inside the Box Don’t get overwhelmed trying to be both mother and father. Instead, concentrate all of your energies on being the very best father you can be.
3. Be Present with Your Kids When you are with your children, be emotionally present with them. It’s easy to retreat inside yourself but this is a time when your children need you. Simple activities like playing a board game or taking a walk together can go a long way toward communicating the message that life will go on and you will all be okay.
4. Pay Attention to your Physical Health There will be times when you feel worn down and drained. Fight this by making the effort to eat healthy foods and finding ways to energize your body. Instead of relying on extra caffeine, try taking a walk at lunchtime. Additionally, getting adequate rest is crucial to your overall health and well being.
5. Identify What Works In the past, how have you handled challenging times in your life? What reminds you that you possess the strength needed to meet the current challenge? Focus on what has worked for you in the past and incorporate it into your present.
6. Let Go of What Isn’t Working Likewise, let go of what has not worked for you. As you navigate through single fatherhood, reflect on the habits and choices that have not served you well, and decide to change them. In addition, if there are things from the past that you cannot change, let go of unhealthy guilt and remorse.
7. Focus on the Positive Parenting is a time of constant growth. Take the time to think about the things that are going well for you. Having a positive attitude can empower you to move ahead and provide your children with a tangible example of the coping strategies you want them to adopt.
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It’s that time of year again! Homework, exams, science projects, essays and the seemingly endless list of resources and supplies children need for a successful education. How do busy single parents balance work and taking care of their families with the overwhelming but necessary responsibility of taking an active involvement in their child’s education? Busy single parents who work full time and have multiple children often find themselves at wits end. They often count themselves lucky just to survive each school/work week from weekend to weekend. Guilt becomes a familiar emotion as the school year slides by with well intentioned thoughts but unfulfilled actions of being more involved this year, being more active in education, joining the PTA, joining your child on at least one field trip, volunteering for at least one book fair or bake sale, attending more athletic events, attending open house, parent teacher conferences, school board meetings and the list goes on and on. Where does one find the time to do all of this?
First of all, RELAX. Stop driving yourself crazy. You don’t have time to do all of this but you can find a way to do some of this. Today’s busy single parent must find creative ways to stay involved in their child’s education. Research shows that the most successful children are those that come from homes in which parents are involved and supportive of their education. Here are some tips for ways you can stay involved:
1. Support begins in the home. Show your child that you support education by turning your home into a good place to learn. Set up a study center. Make sure it is well lit and stocked with an assortment of school supplies. Set aside a specific time for homework, study and reading time. Choose a time that works for everyone – when things are quiet and there are few distractions. Turn the radio and television OFF. Use this time to write letters, read, organize your bills, relax in peace or other quiet activities.
2. Attend school functions. You may not be able to make every meeting at your child’s school but make your best effort to attend at least one Open House per school year. Try to schedule parent teacher conferences at a time that is convenient for both you and the teacher. You may be able to meet before or after school if your work schedule does not permit conferences during the day. Visit your child’s class as your schedule permits. Lend your talent to be involved behind the scenes if time does not allow you to be present for school events. Support fund-raisers by either purchasing or helping your child sell.
3. Be creative. Traditional means of communication may not work in every instance or for every person. Take advantage of the available technology to stay in touch. Try email to contact your child’s teacher. It is often difficult to converse with teachers during the school day but teachers may get a break during the day or before or after school to respond to an email. Ask your child’s teacher which method they prefer for staying in touch. Stay abreast of school activities by keeping tabs on the school website and posting the school calendar both at home and at work.
4. Be involved. Quiz your child for tests. Read progress reports. Review homework. Ask questions. Know your child’s teachers name(s). Even during the Middle and High School years, it is important to be involved in what is going on. Talk to your child about what is going on. Ask about their favorite subjects. Know who their friends are. Talk positively about school. Model appropriate behavior and teach by example.
Show your child how much you care. It really does make a difference.
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We’ve heard all the warnings and probably even agree that as a nation, we spend entirely too much time in front of the television. However, for the most part, most of us still enjoy several hours of television per week, if not per day.
As a single mother of sons, I challenge you to begin to watch television with new eyes. Pay special attention to the way men are portrayed on television these days, especially in sitcoms. You will be surprised…and not pleasantly.
The strong caring men who took care of their families have been replaced by caricature-like imitations. Charles Ingalls and James Evans have been replaced by the likes of Homer Simpson and Al Bundy. What are these portrayals of men today teaching our sons about men in general and themselves in particular? More importantly, as mothers of sons, how have we let this happen and how long will we allow it to go on?
As a gender that has faced (and still faces) oppression, have we been so focused on being pro-woman that we failed to also become pro-men? If we have, it’s almost understandable because as the gender accused of the aforementioned oppression, shouldn’t men be able to take care of themselves? Perhaps. But as the single mothers of sons, isn’t it our job to take care of our boys? Ask yourself these hard questions. What has happened to the role of women vs. the role of men as portrayed in Hollywood? What are our boys learning about maleness from what they see on television? In movies? Music? What do you think our boys think about maleness as it relates to femaleness as seen on tv? If you are a single mother, what do you think your son(s) thinks about maleness as it relates to femaleness if there is no positive male role model in his life? What then does that say to him, not just about maleness, but about himself?
A major societal question concerns the anger found in today’s adolescent males. Considering how negatively they are portrayed in television, movies, music, etc, wouldn’t that make them angry at themselves and at society?
What’s a single mother to do?
Immediately get on the offensive. Remember: You are your son’s primary teacher. What you believe about men and women will be visible to him and will influence his thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. Teach your son that it is great to laugh and have fun with his friends, but caution him not to be “goofy.” Guys who are “goofy” are not respected. People do not follow boys or men they do not respect.
Teach your son appropriate behavior towards women and girls. Teach him that it is never appropriate to hit them under any circumstances and it is never appropriate to be disrespectful towards them in word, attitude or action.
Likewise, teach your son that he is deserving of respect from women and girls. He is not an object to be ridiculed or demeaned. Teach him to never respect “male bashing” under any circumstance and make sure that as his primary role model for women and girls, you avoid “male bashing” at all costs.
Above all, use your position of influence to teach him what you know as a woman. Give him insight into the way a woman views a man and how he behaves. Counteract the negative role models by talking with him about the negative images he sees and teaching him the truth about a man and the way a man behaves. Spending your time with your son in this way will reap a benefit, not just for you and for him but for society as a whole.
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With the negative statistics plaguing the “boy” community, society has begun to pay special attention to the unique and complex needs of single mothers raising sons. As attention is focused in this direction, the plight of single fathers raising daughters also needs to be examined. Single fathers raising daughters need special support in order to successfully complete this important task.
1. It’s ok for single fathers to ask for help. The need for a female mentor in the life of a young girl being raised by her father cannot be over emphasized. It is important for fathers to find a strong capable, positive female role model to assist in the healthy development of their daughters. Mentors can be found in grandparents, aunts, other family, friends, neighbors, churches, community agencies and others. Take the time to find someone who matches your daughter’s personality, values, needs and interests.
2. Remember to listen. Make sure you take the time to listen to your daughter when she is talking. Sometimes, in an effort to be the hero, fathers sometimes will occasionally listen with their focus on fixing the problem when all your daughter really wants you to do is listen as she works out her problems on her own. Simply listening in a supportive manner encourages your daughter to develop independence and problem solving skills of her own which she will need later in life.
3. Be Her Hero – But: While it is both natural and encouraging for fathers to be heroes to their daughters, avoid letting your heroics over protect her and install a sense of inadequacy and dependence. Allow her to struggle sometimes with life’s problems which will help to build her character. Allow some risks within boundaries, boosting her confidence as she succeeds.
4. Be A Part of her Life: Most fathers would probably say they feel more competent and at ease being involved in their son’s activities. It is important to remember, especially as a single father, your daughter needs to feel your support as well. Be present for her athletic, academic and extra-curricular activities. Join her on a shopping trip. Be present and available when her friends come to the house. Be present and available for her in simple ways and watch how your relationship develops.
5. Be Her Example: It is from you that your daughter will begin to gather information about the world of boys. You will be the one to teach her how she should expect to be treated by men when she gets older. You will teach her this by the way you speak to and act towards her and how you treat and refer to other women in front of you. Respect is key.
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Recently, a great deal of concern has been expressed over the growing epidemic of childhood obesity. With all of the hoopla surrounding this subject, how then have we let our children become overweight? Oddly enough, a sort of “love is blind” phenomena referred to as optimistic bias exists between parents and children in which the parent just cannot perceive that their child is overweight and/or at risk of developing serious health problems.
Obesity tends to be in the eye of the beholder and many parents are reluctant to behold that their children are in fact, overweight. One study revealed that among mothers and fathers whose children clearly met the criteria for obesity, 35 percent of those parents did not perceive their children as having a weight problem at all. They did however, recognize that obesity is a problem in general and could cause serious health problems, but did not recognize obesity in their own children.
Denial is common in both mothers and fathers. Some parents try to convince themselves that their child’s extra weight is due to big bones or a healthy appetite. Parents frequently rationalize their children’s weight problems by saying that they aren’t really overweight but rather carry a lot of baby fat and will eventually outgrow it.
Single parenthood often complicates this phenomenon. Many single parents make the subconscious decision to overlook or ignore their children’s weight because they feel guilty. They may feel that they are the ones to blame for their children’s poor eating habits. Sometimes food is given as a reward. Special fattening treats for good behavior or good grades can add additional pounds. If single parents are overweight themselves, they may feel helpless or hypocritical when addressing weight problems in their children.
Some single parents believe that since others in the family have weight problems, their children are simply genetically pre-disposed to obesity. He’s built like his father, or she’s built like her mother is a common thought pattern that discourages interference. Parents may be reluctant to involve themselves or their children in what they may see as a useless struggle against destiny.
Among other single parents, there is a certain amount of fear that drawing attention to their children’s weight will backfire, leading to eating disorders, dangerous diet practices and/or low self esteem. However, while 33 percent of children are overweight or obese, anorexia affects only about 1-200 children between the ages of 12 and 18, most of them girls according to WebMd. As for low self esteem, self concept will increase with each positive step towards a healthier lifestyle and overall improved physical appearance. Non food rewards can be incorporated as milestones into weight loss programs to encourage the development of increased self esteem as progress is made.
Additionally, it is a sad and ugly truth. It is more cost effective to purchase unhealthy food than healthy food. If a family is on a tight budget, sometimes healthy foods take a back seat to the more cost effective unhealthy foods.
Finally, it is not uncommon for single parents to avoid addressing a child’s weight problem because they feel powerless to change it or they are already overwhelmed in their role as single parent. When choosing battles, sometimes, this one is viewed as one not really worth fighting and is an easy one to avoid since the negative repercussions are sometimes not seen until it is too late. However, with the increased risk of negative health repercussions, it is time for single parents to get on the frontlines against this potential risk to their children.
What to do:
- Ask your pediatrician if your child is overweight. Your pediatrician should be your first source for information for anything relating to your child’s health. Do not hesitate to ask for an assessment of your child’s weight as part of an overall physical examination. This can forestall the development of health complications related to obesity, such as Diabetes II which is increasing in the youth population.
- If your child is overweight, keep your pediatrician involved. Ask for their help in developing a plan to get your child’s weight under control.
- Be a role model – practice the healthy eating habits and exercise regimen you would like your child to follow. Get the entire family involved as you all devote yourselves to living a more active, healthier lifestyle that incorporates sound nutritional practices.
- Encourage exercise and cut down on sedentary activities. Numerous studies have linked obesity to the amount of time children spend in front of the television. Send them outside to play, ride bikes and walk instead of watching television, playing video games and sitting in front of the computer.
- Buy only what you want them to eat. Stock the house with nutritious foods that don’t encourage added pounds but promote a well balanced healthy diet including the appropriate amount of fruits and vegetables.
- Take heart. Nutritional foods can be affordable. Cooking healthy can be as well. Plan ahead, comparison shop and shop for healthy items while on sale and before you know it, your shopping habits will have changed for the better without your budget having paid the price.
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Do you remember the movie “300”? When I saw it, I was profoundly affected by it. Not for the same reason that so many others were. Although impressive, the cinematography was not what caught my eye. Although shocking, the violence is not what kept my attention. Although memorable, it wasn’t the sight of half naked men that keeps the movie in my mind. As a single mother raising two sons, I found the quiet theme of the Spartan mother very moving.
There is a scene early in the movie where a son is taken away from his mother at the age of seven (7) to enter the specialized education and training all Spartan men entered called Agoge. At first, the mother bravely watches him go but before he leaves her sight, she crumples and has to be held up by two other Spartan women. The boy turns to look back, so obviously wanting to stay with his mother, but he knows he must go and she knows she must let him and the Spartan men tighten their grip and take him away.
This practice, graphically displayed in the movie was a very real practice in Ancient Sparta. Its purpose was to initiate boys into the culture of manhood and the life of a Spartan soldier. He was taught to do all the things a Spartan man must do in order to be considered a man. While to us, some of the methods might be barbaric, they were necessary for the survival of their culture. The Spartan mother understood this and despite her pain, allowed her young son to go when his time came.
The movie does not display what the mother goes through while her son is gone but one can only imagine. Fully aware of the atrocities her son must suffer, the mother must remain at home, unable to protect him and allow him to endure this time of brutality comforted only by the knowledge that it is necessary.
This practice was mirrored in other cultures as well and its purpose remained the same; to initiate boys into manhood. In some cultures, it is the first hunt or the first kill that signals manhood. In others, there is a religious ceremony that welcomes the boy into manhood. This begs the question: As the number of single mothers raising sons continues to increase, what ritual in our society today transitions boys into manhood? What is it that tells our boys that they have become men?
Single moms don’t despair. There are some activities such as athletics, rites of passage, Scouts, spiritual endeavors, military pursuits and a host of others that boys of today participate in that will help them develop the skills they will need later in life. And with those activities comes the necessity for mothers to develop Spartan toughness in order to help them get there.
Unfortunately, single mothers do not have the luxury of crumpling during these tough times as they usually stand alone watching their child, with no one to catch them if they should fall. So, instead of giving in to the fear and the instinct that urges you to hold him close and protect him, instead, push him with Spartan like toughness to learn to protect himself.
The rituals will come…and they will come in unexpected places and at unexpected times. Maybe the first time he asks you not to walk him to the bus…the first time he no longer wants to hold your hand…the first time he wants to play a sport…the first time he tells you he wants to go into the military…the first time he asks for the keys to your car… the first time he is at the bottom of a big tackle on the football field…the first time a hard foul drives him to the floor of the basketball court…the first time he comes home from a fight…Those are the relatively easy times. All that is required of you is to recognize his need to grow and you having the strength to let him.
That is where the single mother must truly find the Spartan mother within her. That is when she must decide that while this is difficult, it is necessary. In order for her son to become a man, he must make a slow but steady progression AWAY from her and assume more and more responsibility for himself. It may mean bumps and bruises, broken bones and broken hearts for him – sleepless nights, secret tears and worry filled days for her, but in the end, they both know it is necessary.
Do you have the strength to push your son towards athletics, not because he is an athlete but because he needs to learn teamwork, fair play, brotherhood and character development? Do you have the determination to teach him perseverance the first time and every time he wants to quit? Do you have the will to send him to the military because he must learn discipline and respect for authority? Do you have the drive to push him academically so that he develops a strong work ethic to ensure his future? Do you have the grit to push him spiritually so that he will have a moral compass from which to direct his actions and behaviors? Do you have the tenacity to not give up on him even when he and the rest of the world seems to have done so? Do you have the commitment to watch him fall and not run and pick him up but to instead watch him pick himself up, even compel him to when he is reluctant? Are you strong enough to understand that sometimes the love you give him must be tough instead of gentle?
It would be nice to have a culture that had groups of men coming for our fatherless boys…coming to teach them about and initiate them into manhood, helping them perform the rites and rituals that let them know they have safely arrived. Sadly, single moms, for right now, for the most part, there are no hordes of men coming to initiate our sons into manhood. We are solely responsible for ensuring that he arrives there safely and that he knows the right thing to do once he gets there. We must teach him how a man thinks, what a man does and how a man behaves. We must toughen up and watch tearlessly as he goes through what may look like difficulties to us but are necessities for him. When he lashes out at us in his pain, frustration and anger, we must stand firm and unflinchingly teach him to hold that line of respect no matter what his emotions.
Single moms take heart…We are already doing it. We bravely kiss our sons goodbye as we drop them off at military academies…we bravely sit in football stadiums and watch our sons get up tackle after tackle after tackle…worse even, we support our sons as they recover from an injury only to go right back to the activity that caused the injury… we are doing it every day. For the moms who are not, who are clinging to that image of the little boy they birthed…let go…if your child is young…begin to let go slowly now…recognize and support his need to grow away from you…if your child is older, time is of the essence…let him go so he can grow.
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It seems a simple concept but you would be surprised at how many of us do not get it quite right. It has been said that mothers love their sons, but raise their daughters while fathers love their daughters and raise their sons. In a two parent household, this statement implies a certain balanced approach to child rearing. Each child, no matter the gender, receives a balanced amount of love and “raising” from both parents. However, in a single parent household, balance is lost as this approach only gets the job halfway done.
Love comes so much easier but single moms I urge you to RAISE YOUR SONS as well. What does it mean to raise a son? It means finding out what his needs are and making sure they are met. Some of his basic needs we already know. Food, clothing, shelter, love; we are familiar with these. But what about his others needs? Discipline, guidance, opportunity, mentoring…how do we fare when it comes to providing those?
As single mothers, we often focus on love, provision and protection but we sometimes miss the mark on preparation. Do we adequately prepare our sons to function as productive men in society?
It is somewhat understandable if we miss this mark because we are not men. No matter how hard we try or how much we do, we will, at best, be phenomenal single moms; never dads. Therefore, we cannot fully know the whole story of what a boy needs in order to become a healthy and productive man. We know what we’ve heard and what we’ve been told and even what we have seen for ourselves but because we havenever experienced this transition for ourselves, we can only bring an outsider’s perspective.
So although missing the mark is understandable, it certainly cannot be acceptable. As single mothers, we must make every effort to ensure that our sons are adequately prepared for their futures. We recognize a healthy, well adjusted productive man when we see him, but how can we know the totality of the experiences, instruction and training it took to get him there? We don’t and we can’t.
But, here is what we can do. We can work with what we do know. We know the characteristics we look for in men that we respect and admire. We know we value honesty, trust, maturity, accountability and responsibility. As mothers, it is our responsibility and duty to instill and nurture these characteristics in our sons. We know we value respect, commitment and compassion. We have the power to encourage these character traits in our sons. We can show them by the example we set. We can point them out in others. Most importantly, we can recognize and praise them when they show evidence of possessing these traits themselves.
Single moms, it’s true that we can’t know everything but it is equally true that there is power in our ability to teach our sons what we do know. It is incumbent upon us to give them the benefit of our wisdom, our experience and our perspective. We should make it a priority to teach them respect for self, respect for others with an emphasis on respect for women. We can do this by first modeling the appropriate behavior that commands respect then expecting the appropriate behavior in return.
I guess in this way it begins with us. This is our starting point. It is by no means the solution to our entire problem; but a journey of one thousand steps begins with one step. Making this commitment is our first step. We are much more powerful than we give ourselves credit. By raising our sons to be men that we would consider suitable husbands and fathers, we can begin to erase the stereotype of the failed son of the single mother. If we teach them responsibility, respect, accountability, courtesy, honor and dignity, perhaps we can begin creating better futures for our grandchildren. Perhaps this shift in attitude and perspective could be a first step in creating a better future for all families.
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“Boys today are in serious trouble, including many who seem “normal” and to be doing just fine. Confused by society’s mixed messages about what’s expected of them as boys, and later as men, many feel a sadness and disconnection they cannot even name. New research shows that boys are faring less well in school than they did in the past and in comparison to girls that many boys have remarkably fragile self-esteem, and that the rates of both depression and suicide in boys are frightening on the rise. Many of our sons are currently in a desperate crisis.
We now understand that girls lose their voices as they enter their teens, and are becoming lost not only to themselves, but also to us, mostly as a result of society’s gender stereotypes about girls. Spurred by these insights, we are starting to make some progress in helping girls gain greater freedom, speak in their true voices, be heard and become empowered so they can better develop their individual capacities and strengths as women.
But what of their brothers? And what of our sons?”
Introduction – Real Boys, William Pollack, Ph.D
What of our sons? Statistics seem to say that boys raised by single mothers are destined to fail. If you are a single mother with sons, this is a frightening thought. What can you do, as a single mother to ensure the success of your son(s)?
SingleParent411 has created a Toolkit for single moms that are raising sons. It provides them with the information, encouragement and empowerment they need to kick their parenting into high gear for the success of their sons.
Stay tuned and read each tip in the Toolkit. Share your comments and your thoughts below. Feel free to share wisdom and tips of your own and let us know how your journey is coming along.
Stay Tuned to SingleParent411!
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Twelve years of helping single parents secure first time homeownership! The Warrick Dunn Foundation strives to help those who are helping themselves. I learned a long time ago that you cannot be all things to all people. However, each of us can do our part to help in some small way to make our community a better place to live. As a result of growing up in a single-parent household, I have focused my charitable efforts on helping single parent families obtain first-time homeownership. I believe that homeownership is the foundation for establishing a stable and productive family environment, an environment in which children can thrive educationally, socially and economically. (http://www.warrickdunnfoundation.org/home.php)
Warrick Dunn is a lot of things to a lot of people. To some, he is the Running Back for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. To others, he is the Founder of the Warrick Dunn Foundation. To still others, he is the oldest of the six children of a single mother who achieved greatness despite the odds. To single parents, he is a champion and keeper of dreams.
We will be interviewing Warrick Dunn on the SingleParent411 BlogTalk Radio Show on August 7, 2009 at 11 a.m. EST. Please send us the questions that you would like for us to ask him and we will ask him LIVE on the air. Feel free to tune in, call in or join our chat room which will be open during the show.
Post your questions below!
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What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore– And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over– like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Langston Hughes
This is one of my favorite poems for several reasons. When I was younger, I used this poem as my impetus, my inspiration for working hard to make all of my dreams come true. I did not know what happened to a dream deferred but I was certain I did not want any of my dreams festering inside of me. I wanted to live them out in freedom and celebration. As I matured, some of my dreams changed, but they were never denied.
It was single parenthood that introduced me to deferred dreams. Putting the needs of my children before my personal amibitions, dreams and goals was the right thing to do and for that I have no regrets. However, as my children transition from dependence to independence, I have time to revisit my personal dreams that have been deferred.
My situation is not unique. Single parents have often had to defer their own dreams in order to help their children make theirs come true. This is the natural order of things and I hope that single parents willingly do this with love and without regret. However, to defer a dream is not to deny it. Single parents, don’t forget your dreams! Keep them safe until the time is right for you to revive them and make them come true. Write your dreams down. Keep them close to you where you can see them regularly.
Often we get so caught up in the struggle of making it from day to day that we forget our dreams and begin to think that the struggle is all there is. We live and breathe this struggle and its all we think and all that we know. One day, we even start to believe that it is all we are. But I say no. We are more than our struggle. We are still the dreams we had before this struggle began and because this stuggle won’t last for always, there are still some dreams we can have when we have overcome this struggle.
I invite you to post your dreams below. Who were you before you became a single parent? What were your dreams then? What are your dreams now? Do not push them aside and do not forget about them. Share them. Share your dreams with me. Share them with other single parents who need someone to help them keep their dreams alive. Whatever you do, whatever happens, whatever your struggle, don’t stop dreaming!
Single Parents, dreams deferred are NOT dreams denied. Post your dreams below.
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I always hear people talking about having it all…the perfect job…perfect family…perfect life, etc.
But, what about the rest of us? Some of us don’t WANT to have it all. We’re forced by circumstances and life choices that we’ve made or others have made to DO it all. So we don’t even have the luxury of considering whether or not we want it all. We’ve GOT it all and now we’re trying to figure out what to do with it.
That makes the real question – How do you have it all without sacrificing anything?
Compromise is not new to me. It is a word I learned early in my marriage. Until then, the only word I knew was excellence. I pursued it with zeal, almost with a vengeance. Once married, however, I learned compromise. Life wasn’t perfect and some days, excellence was nowhere to be found. So I learned to live with compromise.
After my divorce I discovered a new word: failure. It was a bitter pill for the woman of “excellence” to swallow but it lodged itself into my throat and threatened to strangle me until I had choked it down. Even for the woman who had learned compromise, failure was tough for there is no compromise in failure. It is final. There is no give or take. There is just failure. To kill failure then, I went back to the familiar. I attacked it with excellence. I was determined to be the best single mother ever and have the best children ever thereby vanquishing failure and dispatching it back to whatever dark corner it had slithered from.
I involved my boys with sports from the early age of 3. I was team mom to both teams even though they were not on the same team and often had games at the same time or 10 minutes apart on opposite sides of town 30 minutes apart. I thought this is what a single mother of excellence would do. They were involved with Church and Youth Group. I ran myself ragged. I baked cookies from scratch, I cooked full meals daily. I made hot breakfasts and hot lunches. I hosted sleepovers and outings in the park. I drove children to the movies, roller-skated (yes, I know) with them on Saturdays and coached basketball, a game I had never played except in gym class, for several seasons. I did all of that and more in the pursuit of excellence. I think I was under the misconception that if I did enough; single parenthood would never have to touch my children. If I sacrificed enough, they would not have to sacrifice at all. If I did without, it would ensure they had plenty.
After a while, excellence burned me out. I was a single mother of two small boys and being all things to all people at all times was leaving me nothing to and for myself. I had nothing and yet, stood to lose everything.
I had to make a change. Excellence was killing me so I needed a new path. I could no longer give 100% to 100% of things 100% of the time. Close to my breaking point, I had to make hard and fast decisions. I had to decide for myself, what are my priorities? What do I have to do? What do I want to do? What will I get to when I can? And perhaps most importantly, what will I let go?
That was my first step in the process of defining myself, deciding what kind of mother, single mother, woman I was going to become. In order to do that successfully, I took a leaf from Clint Eastwood’s book and tailored it to fit my own situation. I decided – a woman’s got to know her limitations.
It was here that I found what I should have been searching for all along: balance. Not excellence, not failure and not even compromise. Compromise was only a tool to use to achieve balance, not the end result that I should settle for.
Finding my balance helped me achieve another important objective: self acceptance. It was in this period that I found inner peace. I accepted the fact that to no one’s surprise except perhaps my own, I was not now, nor would I ever be a perfect Mom. There were things I wanted to do but had no time to do, just as there were things that I should do that did not get done. But through it all, I worked to my fullest capacity to get things done and done well. I enjoyed cooking so I still cooked full meals most days. I hated cleaning however, so I became the Queen of “straightening up” as opposed to “cleaning up.” Balance.
Operating within my capacity, and no longer above it, decreased my stress and increased my self esteem. When my daily tasks became manageable, I actually began to manage them without ending my day at exhaustion’s breaking point. Balance.
What happened next was a wonderful surprise to me. I graduated from managing my life and that of my children to creating successful lives for us. What was happening to me was after I defined myself, and then accepted myself; I noticed instead of just being myself, I was becoming my better self. Finding my balance then ultimately was the key to finding myself.
Have you found your balance?
Please feel free to post your comments below.
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